Ok, so I need to get honest for this post. I haven't posted anything in a while, because A. I've been
So here's the thing, first off, Thanksgiving was great. We traveled to Grand Forks, ND to visit Jake's family. It was so nice to be there for a few days and have the chance to really do nothing - a nice break. I tried to not make myself feel guilty for eating far to much, and we did manage to get out and run a couple days. FYI - NEVER run in the flat-lands of ND in the winter, its sucks and I wanted to die. But we managed 2 runs in the blistering cold. On the plus side I did get to wear my sweet new running tights! People could see me a mile away! (they are BRIGHT blue).
However, that week of basically eating whatever I wanted has left me feeling a little on the "puffy" side. I hate this feeling, I'm bloated, my jeans are tight, and I get really unmotivated to workout and eat right. I still have yet to strike a good balance, and its been what? almost 2 years?! Also, if I'm hopping on the honesty train I might as well get it all out. Basically since I got hurt in October my eating habits and workouts have been all over the place. Nothing has been consistent, and there are too many times that I tell myself to not workout "just this once", or that I can make and eat a pan of brownies cause " I work out enough so I can afford to". I HAVE to get back on track. I don't like feeling this way, I get so down on myself. I also think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm not running as much. I fully believe that my knee is pretty much healed. My last few runs have been pain free and stayed that way, but for some reason I'm constantly nervous before a run, which causes me to not do it at all. I have lost my confidence and am not sure how to get it back. I know its mostly mental, because when we were running in 19 degree weather and into 25mph winds, I was able to keep a 8:20 pace for 6 miles (which is SUCH an improvement from a month ago), so I know I can run, it's just getting past the mental block that I have.
I know I sound like such a debbie downer, but I just need to get this off my chest. I am not happy with where I am. Weight wise I know I'm still healthy, but I think all of us have a weight that we are most comfortable at, and mine is about 8lbs from where I am right now. I wear a size 4-6 and am just barely fitting my size 6's right now. I do not say these things for attention, but for people to understand that it doesn't matter where we are in our health and fitness, that everyone struggles with the same things, and we are all a work in progress. I just hope some people can relate.
Consider this my promise to myself that I will buck up and get back on the wagon. I have to clean up my eating for the next few weeks and hit all my workouts. I have to remind myself how good I feel when I'm eating well and working out regularly. So that might mean I become a hermit for a while ( I kind of already am), choosing the healthy (aka less fun) option when eating out with friends, and moving myself more, not just with structured exercise, but just getting out and doing more activities. Less couch sitting = less mindless eating.
I am still proud that after almost 2 years, I have been able to maintain my 35lb weight loss, when it can be SO easy to go back, I am proud that I am able to go out and run 8 miles if I want with little effort. I just need to get my determination back that I once had With the holidays coming up I want to enjoy them without making myself feel guilty or anything. I want to feel my best all the time, so I'm going to try my hardest to do that.
Sorry for such the long random post. Oh, also I'll be back to let you know how I did on my November goals, and make some new ones for December :)
You are so much healthier emotionally about this than I was at your age. All I did (and do) is obsess, run, worry about eating, obsess, workout, worry about eating. So what did I do? Run myself into the ground because I didn't listen to what my body was telling me. You have done a great job of letting yourself heal, taking time off and getting back on track. I think you are awesome.
ReplyDeleteYou my dear will be fine...don't let that Voice in your head take away the success you now enjoy.
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